"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Randomize
