thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Randomize
