I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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