She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
