Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
