the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
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