Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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