I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
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