Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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