my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Randomize
