3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
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