So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
