tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
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