Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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