Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
