My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
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