when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
he fucked my hip out of place.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
FUCK WHALES
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
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