You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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