i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Randomize
