I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
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