let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
