Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Randomize
