: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
She bit a glass in half.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
