laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
