Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Randomize
