Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
why do cheetos always look like penises
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Randomize
