Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
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