I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
