i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
