i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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