drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
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