Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
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