did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
