is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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