That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Randomize
