My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
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