Ambien. No doubt about it.
he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
