Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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