theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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