I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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