i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
