today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
