why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Randomize
