I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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