What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Randomize
