I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
You have to summon your inner elephant
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
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