instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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