So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Randomize
