He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
