after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Randomize
