yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Randomize
