You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
