anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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